The Druggie

Oh, my bad, I THOUGHT I’d left the paper in Subang but in the end I found it in one of my files last night while looking for my notes (yes, I did TRY to study last night) so yeah, here’s the one on drugs that I wrote in one my many moods.

BCB Lecture, KT1, TBS Building, 1030am, Friday.

Yes, I know I should be studying for later’s test or at the very least pay attention to the world’s worst lecturer but I can’t. I keep drifting away in my thoughts; to last night to be exact.

I was having a long talk with someone very close to my heart. I’d done something wrong and I was perfectly aware of it hoping that “the someone” would not mind if I did what I did. He did mind. I felt guilty and tired because “that someone” was super mad and going on and on about it pushing me deeper into a guilt hole. Even though it was a small matter, to him, it was something big, like a betrayal.

We all make mistakes; we all face difficulties; we all have responsibilities. But what if we couldn’t cope? While talking to “that someone” I suddenly had an epiphany “NOW I know why people take drugs because what wouldn’t I give just to escape my life now, even for a few minutes, to leave everything behind, achieve nirvana for just a few minutes. WHAT wouldn’t I give?”


I know some of you people out there reading this would go “PPPPFFFFFFFTTTT!” coz y’all think I’m only a little girl with no bills, no mortgages, and no loans to worry about. Yes that is true, I don’t have to worry about those things but I have my own responsibilities; as a student, as a daughter, as a team player, as a friend. Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or the stress of assignments and tests. I don’t know. But I do know, what WOULDN’T I give to leave all my responsibilities behind? What wouldn’t I GIVE?

No, I’m not depressed. I’m just stressed and feeling overwhelmed by all that has been going on. Too many things at too short a time. Friends who take advantage of me, people who love doing stuff at the last minute and in the process piss me off, people with principles I don’t like and can’t understand but have to put up with, the assignments that don’t make sense whatsoever, organizing a conference that I have no idea about in under 2 months, being involved in two events that take place within days of each other, miscommunications, attitudes, WHAT WOULDNT I GIVE? What wouldn’t I give...

And no, I’ve never tried drugs before FYI and prolly never will but is there an alternative? Someone please knock me out cold before my head splits itself into two from all thats been going on.

Short tempered

Urrgghhh I just realized that my last post didnt make it up coz of my screwed up internet connection! Nevermind, can't remember what I wrote anyways. This post I wrote about 3-4 months ago when I was plagued by assignments and worried to death about certain things. It was just a lashing out that I think, now, was unnecessary but all the same, I just have it here so I'll just post it. Was supposed to post something else about drugs that I wrote almost 2 Thursdays back but I realized that I left the paper which I wrote on in Subang.

________________

Short tempered

You know what irks me?

..... People who come late and give no notice. Not the 10 minutes late kind, the kind who are one whole hour late! At least sms to let us know that you'll be late so we don't have to wait in vain.

..... People who can't drive properly. Hang around SS15 and you'll know what I mean. I swear to God I have almost been hit 3 times, once by a motorbike, once by a speeding car (TQ to K for pulling my hand in time) and one more time by a car who was reversing that didn't see me and had faulty reverse lights!

..... being promised something and not getting it in the end.

..... annoyingly annoying little juniours/flirty girls and "Mr-I'm-trying-to-be-macho-but-I-still-have-a-squeaky/squealy-voice". Sometimes you feel like throwing your 10KG book at them especially at 7.30am in the morning when they're in the lift with you and almost cause you to spill your precious morning coffee.

..... People who eat with their mouths wide open which causes them to make a gross "splat-splat-splat" sound when they're chewing with their tongues and not their God given teeth. Gr-fucking-oss!

So yes, all this in one morning. But the worse has yet to come. I was in Old Town Kopitiam waiting for someone who never showed up. Alone. You know how that feels? Especially if that someone was the one u love so much.

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Ignore that last line wouldja? Anyways, I pull the tally of getting hit up to 4 times. Another guy K, also managed to pull me back in time. This time it was my fault because it was raining and I could barely see the road with my soaked glasses. Ahahah, my life eh? Oh and I remember that morning still. Funny huh? The best part was the part where I shouted at the flirty junior who stabbed my feet by accident with her stilettos. I'd bet you, the tutors and the junior and her posse prolly remember my face after seeing that barrage of swear words coming out of this diminutive (stop laughing! I am really short compared to my peers) blur faced little girl before 8am. Not a very good way for a tutor to remember me by but wth la. It was worth it. But to tell u the truth, I don't remember any of their faces. AHAHAHAHA

Firsts...

I hesitate as I write this. It is again dedicated to someone I know. I admit I love him. Not the kind that lovers have but the familiar person kinda love. I've known him since time immemorial and its nice to know I have someone to fall back to whenever I'm in trouble (granted, if we're on speaking terms. Haha. I think most of you out there know who i'm speaking about) or need someone right here, right now.

And now he is gone. Poof.

No he ain't dead you idiot! He has left his nest to study abroad. Too far away for my liking but hey, he is growing up after all. He got himself a girlfriend just before he left. I'm not going to make a comment on that. This is my official comment : NO COMMENT! - thats coz the dolt i'm writing about linked me on his blog so yeah, you do the math.

Oh well, thats life eh? Jay, Veeen n Licky, just because I didn't dedicate a post to you guys who are all leaving me at the same time to the same country albeit different plane schedules, doesn't mean I'll miss you guys less than I miss him.

@ Jay,

Take care dear, try not to hook up with the air hostess ok? I don't need to read about it in the papers! Tell me when you're all settled down. SO I CAN GO VISIT YA! New York New York! :)

@ Veen,

Awww the baby is flying off. Ahahahaha. How you hate that. Seriously, I wonder if the air hostess will ask you if you're being accompanied coz u look like a minor. *hugs* I'll miss you.

@ Licky,

Stop licking people. They'll run the other direction when you stick your tongue out at them. No gentleman should behave like you do! Lol!!! You know you want my neck for this!

For the lack of posts.

Ok I know some of you are waiting for my Pangkor Laut pictures but I don't know when the Tigress will give me the photos in her camera and I dare not for the life of me pester her for it. It hasn't been that bad at home. Its still home for me. I still love my room, enough to barricade myself in it every waking moment there. Here in Subang, its kinda lonely and not so safe. I think something musta happened last night or this morning coz suddenly there's two police patrol cars making their rounds around here. Something I've never seen before since moving in here 2 months ago.

But life goes on, I need to get my assignments out ASAP. I wrote all the due dates down as well as my mini-tests and almost had a seizure when I took a hard look at it. Hence you'll be finding me in the library for the next few weeks burning the midnight oil. Oh God, I'm turning into a nerd. And on top of that, I just got told I'm the organizing chairperson of an event coming up. I thought that I was just volunteering to help. Oops. Oh well, I think I'll be alright.

Speaking of Uni, I passed everything last sem. Average student grades. Kinda upset about 2 subjects because I anticipated a Distinction but I guess I didn't put enough effort into it. Nevermind now, I'll just concentrate on this sem.

Anyways, I found something I wrote in Form 5 (Year 11 for some of you) that I stumped me. I feel like such a pessimist now. What happened to my old naive self who loved life and looked forward to each day? Maybe its just me today and the stress I'm feeling. No, I'm not depressed, don't worry! I'm just maybe feeling a little reflective. I don't know about you guys but I feel like my English has deteriorated. Maybe its the people I mix with. Or maybe the lack of reading. Either way, it all comes down to the fact that I need another holiday. Away from everyone and everything.

Bahhh, I'm just blabbing as usual. Read and laugh yourselves out on my naivety 3 years ago.

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LIFE

Does everyone really know the meaning of Life? Well, according to Wikipedia, the Internet encyclopaedia, the word life had eight different meanings! The meaning that caught my attention was ‘A worthwhile existence’.

Now, Life is something very, very precious. You have only one life and many choices. Every choice you make will affect you one way or another. You can choose to live life in a happy, sad or many more other ways. It’s all up to you and also something else called ‘Fate’.

Life isn’t about keeping scores. You’d only live a wasted life and maybe give yourself a heart attack one day. It isn’t about how many friends you have or that if you’re accepted by society. You must be really vain if you thought that life was so. Neither is it about kisses and sex or how pretty or ugly you are. Please don’t be racist and care about the skin colour of others. It doesn’t matter what grades you get in STANDARDIZED test!

Life is about who you love. They are the ones who’ll leave footprints in your life. It’s about keeping and betraying the trust of a friendship and judgements that you pass both good and bad. Life is about jealousy, fear, ignorance, revenge and other feelings that you’ll learn in life. Go explore it! You have only one life. Live it to the fullest.

You will learn lessons in life from the moment you are born until you die. It is a life long school that you can never escape from. That is if you live a normal life not a sheltered one! You may think that mistakes should be left as they are. Actually, these mistakes are your lesson in life. These mistakes will be repeated until you have learnt how to overcome and avoid it.

Life is about giving and receiving. Don’t you think that every time after you’ve made a donation no matter how much, you’ll feel happy that someone else who needs it badly benefits? I do. How do you feel after playing with orphans or children affected by Down syndrome or even elders at an old folk’s home? I feel happy that I’ve made their day brighter. Do charity when you can afford it or just become a volunteer for any orphanage to teach the children lessons for a brighter future. Little things like that count.

Travelling broadens your mind and eyes to things around you. It’s good to travel as we need to know about people from other cultures and learn a thing or two from them. Besides that, Life is all about making friends isn’t it? So wouldn’t it be better to have friends abroad to write to once in a while?

Being a filial child and a loving parent is what counts in Life. Your parent or parents raised you up and lovingly watch you grow. You should look after them the same way they did when you were younger when they grow old. Your child is your future and when it comes down to anything, they need you the most.

Religion is important to a person. Everyone has to have ‘Faith’, in everything they do, in their family and most importantly, themselves. So if you’re a freethinker, go ahead and pick a religion that you think suits you. Eventually, you’ll start wondering where your soul goes to when you leave this world.

In Life, not everyone is lucky. Some may be born deformed, with Down syndrome, an orphan or something unfortunate. The extremely unlucky ones are given or even thrown away by their parents. Remember, what goes around comes around. A child given to you is God’s gift. Accept them as they are. You never know, one day your child may surprise you.

What you do in life is up to you. You may choose to waste it on drugs or alcohol or live happily surrounded by your family and friends. Allah, God, Buddha or whoever you believe in gave you all the tools and resources you need. For example, determination will get you anywhere; your willpower can push you further than what you call ‘Limits’ and so on. You just need to know how and when to apply it. All the answers to Life’s questions lie within you. You just have to discover them by yourself. Nothing in life is easy. In the words of Pink:

If God is a DJ

Life is a dance floor

Love is the rhythm

You are the music

If God is a DJ

Life is a dance floor

You get what you're given

It's all how you use it.......

How?

I havent been in the mood to blog lately hence the silence. Yes, something happened that dampened my mood considerably.

I don't exactly know how to start this but here goes nothing. People change, I know I've written about this before but I'm not sure if I've posted it up... Back to it, people and how they change.

There was so much we had in common, we could talk about just everything under the sun confide in each other, laugh at our mistakes, everything..... And now nothing. You've changed. I know I have changed too. Change is inevitable. But at least I didnt betray you. At least I don't carry stories to the people who hate you and are out to get you. I can't believe that. I refused to believe that someone so close to me could do that to me. Have I ever betrayed you? I havent but if you keep it up honey, I will.

There are so many questions I'd like to ask you. So many things I'd like to throw at you. But I won't. I'll pretend I didn't find out. I'll pretend that everything doesn't link back to you. In front of you at least. Like mother like daughter.

What made you do that? Was it something I did or said? Or was there something in it for you? Don't think I don't know whats going on. I'm tired of all these games people play. I've told you before I hate pretenders. You're one of them now. You're a great pretender. Someone I'll let go of. Don't be surprised. You know who you are. And I know you still read my blog.

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Oh wow, now I feel better that I've got everything off my chest. I know the post sounded so childish and all but yeah, who gives an eff. I'm just really upset. I guess I have so much more to learn about life and how to pick the right friends.

Anyways, I recently had a tetanus shot because a stray cat bit me. The bite? Not painful. The shot? MY FUCKING ARM HURTS LIKE A COW!! I'm not kidding. Thats the after effects of tetanus shots. On the bright side, I don't need another one for the next 5 years :)

Coup de grâce

*siiigh* as my holiday drags on, yes, for once I'm complaining about a holiday, I wonder if my trip next weekend to a holiday resort will be as terrible as my current holiday. Undoubtedly stuck on an island [which may I add a serene, beautiful and cozy (albeit a little commercial but wtf la) one] that is supposed to be paradise in Malaysia with my F will drive me nuts. I'm not joking. I wonder if it'll be my coup de grâce...

Yes, I am writing this after a hard days work for them that they are being ungrateful for. IT DOESNT CLOUD MY JUDGEMENT. Believe me, I know. As much as I dislike living in Subang coz its so lonely there, it somehow looks much much more inviting then my current situation. Which would you rather? Being used then tossed aside and treated like scum of the earth when you've served your purpose as a daughter or being all alone in a house that creaks every 10 seconds? I'm starting to prefer the latter

Sometimes, I wonder. Is it me? Am I the one causing all this upon myself?

Insult or compliment?/ Funny things coming outta my friends mouths.

Yes, I am attempting to establish my old routine of blogging under stress. Nope, no exams to stress me out. Just the other kind that most of my good friends are familiar with. Yes, it does start with an F. Go figure.

Anyways, back to the topic.

You know how men always say we women think too much? MAYBE we sometimes do. I'm saying MAYBE mind you. Like for instance, I can't tell if it was a compliment you paid me or an insult. You judge for yourself. I've created a new label under this same title. The Funny Things Coming Outta My Friends Mouths are actually comments my friends say knowingly/unknowingly.

MG: you know, if you were about 6 inches taller and about 5 kgs slimmer, you could actually be a model with that innocent face of yours. Imagine you wearing naughty lingerie. Men would go crazy for that!

Me: *doumbfounded for a moment*

Was that a compliment or an insult? you tell me!

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JK: You're a piece of meat and that boy is one starved lion.

Me: Wait, i'm dead meat? what kind? *ROFLMAO*

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JH: You bloody blue-baller!

*Note: Now he says it was a compliment but I dunno. Arent blue ballers generally cows in mens eyes? Go figure!

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Cass: My boobs look bigger today! *beams with joy*

Mind you, she was 23 at that time and isnt it already fully grown?

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Friend: What happens if you choke a blue smurf? I mean its blue already. What? Will it turn purple and become a blackcurrant?

Friend2: No nutjob, (hint to those who know him, nutjob, his fav insult) it'll turn pink, become a smurfette and the smurf population will start choking each other!

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Now you see why I love my quirky friends? LOL! hope you enjoyed it!

Hello?

Heyyy I'm sorry been busy with my finals. I'm just praying for the best right now. Ok so things havent been so cheery on my end but I hope they've been on yours. I've moved to Subang after 2 and a half years of torturous driving and taking the train up and down from KL to Subang (thank God I wasn't the one driving!). Living there on weekdays and coming back here on weekends. I don't have access to the internet there but I make it up by using the one in the library. Living in Taylors has made me broke and I'm not kidding when I say I'm dead broke.

But I know I'll get through it. *holds head up high* Anyone out there looking for a short term part timer? Lol!

The Tigress is back and I'm trying to be a little more patient with her n The Queen this year. Its very trying but I do my best. I'm forced to. They're family. Even if they blame me for delaying their S'pore vacation. I've told them to go without me but because of an earlier promise, they can't. Its a long story... Forget it but yes, I am suffering. Actually thats and understatement.

I don't get life sometimes and how it throws a hardball at you. You find the thing you've been loking for most in your life yet when you've finally found it, it turns out to be the hardest decision in life. Will you keep that one damn thing that makes you feel like you're on the top of the world or do you let it go just because you don't wanna be selfish?

Chorus:Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,

doo, doot doot dooo.

Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,

doo, doot dooo

I'm afraid of the dark,

'specially when I'm in a park

And there's no-one else around,

Ooh, I get the shivers

I don't want to see a ghost,

It's a sight that I fear most

I'd rather have a piece of toast

And watch the evening news

(Repeat Chorus)

I'm a superstitious girl,

I'm the worst in the world

Never walk under ladders,

I keep a rabbit's tail

I'll take you up on a dare,

Anytime, anywhere

Name the place, I'll be there,

Bungee jumping, I don't care!

(Repeat Chorus)

life, doo, doot dooo

doo, doot dooo

So after all is said and done

I know I'm not the only one

Life indeed can be fun,

if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,

Ain't as easy as it seems

You wanna fly around the world,

In a beautiful balloon

(Repeat Chorus)

*clickity click*

Marriage

I recently found out that someone I know (scratch that.) someone I knew got hitched in April. In UK. Without telling me. Yes, maybe we have only contacted each other sporadically since he left Malaysia but still it doesn’t make sense to me that he didn’t tell me he married someone. I mean I knew he was engaged to her but the last time I heard from him, she thought they were too young to get married. I’m not upset. I’m just very reflective.

"Never look back," we said

To say I haven’t been thinking about this since I heard about it would be a lie. To come and think about it, it was his sister (who used to loathe me mind you – but she’s taken a 180) who told me about the marriage. It was a shock to her too that I didn’t know about it. It came out in a magazine and she offered to send it over to me. An offer I declined. No, I am not jealous neither can I not bear to see the pictures. I just want the past to remain where it’s supposed to be; the past.

...emptiness behind

Life goes on doesn’t it?

Even though time may find me somebody new

No matter how close we were or how far apart we now are, it doesn’t give him an excuse to not tell me about something so huge. Yes, I may sound like a whiny kid coz I wasn’t informed. If his pet died, and he didn’t inform me, I wouldn’t care. That’s minor. This is huge. A life commitment. Then again, I haven’t heard from him in ages.

You promised yourself

But to somebody else

I guess this is part and parcel of growing up. Losing people. Not only to literally death but also to deaths of friendships. I don’t love him. That much I know. But we’re still friends no? I guess not.

Still I wish you...

...the best. I wish he’d told me. The least I could have done was get him a wedding present.